Anxiety and me
Nope. I don't like it. I don't want to go. I'm going to say 'no' even though I have nothing planned.
All the things I think to myself.
Last weekend, Tyler and I ventured to Curtis Orchard. A darling place that offers apple picking, pumpkins, home-made treats, and country decor. I love going b/c its just a cute place. Inspired by the Wizard of Oz, you can even eat at the Flying Monkey Cafe'. No wonder, I like it.
Well, didn't like it last weekend. Crowded to the gill. Even with Tyler, I immediately felt panicked and not in control. There were so many people, that my body wanted to start pushing people out of the way. Carts, kids yelling, people rushing. I could've easily found a corner and stayed there til closing. People staring at me, when my face contorts to every emotion in the book. I know they are looking. The feeling of judgement.
Even thinking about it is getting me worked up.
This weekend, we are off to the Covered Bridge Festival, and I've already crafted the scenario in my head and how its all going to go down. How I'm literally going to remove people from my personal space. While waiting in a line, I'm going to have to stand off to the side or against whatever booth I'm at.
Some might claim, that I was never like this before and they would probably be right. Something happened. When? I don't know. What was it? I don't know. Will it go away? I don't know.
Every morning, I question "is today worth getting out of bed? Will I be bothered at work today? I hope I don't have to go on the dock.". I plan all the things that go wrong and worry about them constantly until they clearly don't happen. I am living with this daily. I feel most at peace with Piper - on her own, b/c with Maya she's just so playful and not focused. I feel at peace at home, not having to interact with people, just Tyler and my girls. Piper is even going to get registered as an Emotional Support Animal, so I can take her MOST places. I don't cope well in crowds, in fact, Tyler can attest to this. I have to throw my focus to something in front of me or what I'm doing, and 9 times out of 10, it doesn't work.
This is me and my anxiety. You can say 'oh it's all in your head' and you'd be right...but it's affecting the way I live.
All the things I think to myself.
Last weekend, Tyler and I ventured to Curtis Orchard. A darling place that offers apple picking, pumpkins, home-made treats, and country decor. I love going b/c its just a cute place. Inspired by the Wizard of Oz, you can even eat at the Flying Monkey Cafe'. No wonder, I like it.
Well, didn't like it last weekend. Crowded to the gill. Even with Tyler, I immediately felt panicked and not in control. There were so many people, that my body wanted to start pushing people out of the way. Carts, kids yelling, people rushing. I could've easily found a corner and stayed there til closing. People staring at me, when my face contorts to every emotion in the book. I know they are looking. The feeling of judgement.
Even thinking about it is getting me worked up.
This weekend, we are off to the Covered Bridge Festival, and I've already crafted the scenario in my head and how its all going to go down. How I'm literally going to remove people from my personal space. While waiting in a line, I'm going to have to stand off to the side or against whatever booth I'm at.
Some might claim, that I was never like this before and they would probably be right. Something happened. When? I don't know. What was it? I don't know. Will it go away? I don't know.
Every morning, I question "is today worth getting out of bed? Will I be bothered at work today? I hope I don't have to go on the dock.". I plan all the things that go wrong and worry about them constantly until they clearly don't happen. I am living with this daily. I feel most at peace with Piper - on her own, b/c with Maya she's just so playful and not focused. I feel at peace at home, not having to interact with people, just Tyler and my girls. Piper is even going to get registered as an Emotional Support Animal, so I can take her MOST places. I don't cope well in crowds, in fact, Tyler can attest to this. I have to throw my focus to something in front of me or what I'm doing, and 9 times out of 10, it doesn't work.
This is me and my anxiety. You can say 'oh it's all in your head' and you'd be right...but it's affecting the way I live.
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